Just recently, I got an opportunity to meet a dating coach…Eva Kuleva. Eva is a dating coach living in Sofia, Bulgaria but has clients outside of Bulgaria as well. At our meeting at a brightly painted dessert cafe in Sofia, I got the chance to learn more about who hires a dating coach and further explore the relationship between dating & relationship coaching and egg-freezing support coaching.
*This post assumes that you would like to find a life partner, at some point.
So who seeks out a dating coach?
According to Eva, the three main reasons people hire a dating coach are because people…
-have never had a real relationship before, or they are extremely socially awkward and are not sure of what to do in a relationship.
-notice that they have a pattern in relationships, and they begin to see and notice themselves in the pattern and want to break the pattern in the interest of improving the quality of that relationship.
-are referred to her!
(I guess friends don’t let friends keep going on bad dates!)
Let’s right to the point: How do you suggest women bring up that they have frozen their eggs or are thinking of freezing their eggs while dating someone?
Eva recommends talking about egg freezing before you start dating exclusively.
For women who are in their 30’s and 40’s, it is especially important not to be shy about talking about egg freezing and thoughts on having children at the beginning of the relationship.
What about people who have been dating for a little while and haven’t discussed the topic of having children?
If the topic comes up later in the relationship for…whatever reason, an agreement needs to reach on “what is clear.” You cannot presume everyone wants to have kids.
And…Eva offered, “It’s naive to hope someone will change their mind.”
If they say, they don’t want kids…You have to be prepared to hear something that you may not want to hear.
An additional benefit, according to Eva, in working with a dating coach is that a dating coach can also help people see the journey after the decision to end the relationship and help transition them to dating life. Break-ups are part of dating. A great reason why to work with a dating coach…what if, breakups could be less painful or even used as a catalyst to grow personally?
New Era Dating
Question #2 (to ask yourself)
Eva shared that a question she sometimes asks clients is, “Why do you want kids?”
Some people are, according to Eva, absolutely shocked at the question. The even more interesting thing she noticed was that some of them didn’t know how to answer the question.
It takes a willingness to be honest with yourself about what you want and why [you want children].
I think that Eva shared how so many people she posed that question to never took the time to look at that answer for themselves, and they were just pursuing that desire unconsciously, like it was something you were just “supposed to do.”
As she said this, I thought about the past times that I reflected on this same question. And I watched how the answer changed. As I looked at that same question over time, it evolved to wanting to experience love within the framework of becoming a mother and helping someone evolve into the fullest expression of themselves. So my opinion is that you are never held to a static answer for the rest of your life. It is important to permit yourself any evolution in your answer.
Old Paradigm Dating vs New Era Dating
Within the last ten years, egg freezing has become an option to prolong your ability to have children genetically related to you. Previous generations of women really haven’t had to include these types of questions in the dating conversation as previously it was only: Do you want kids?
What questions should women who are dating, want children someday, and want to find a partner in order to co-parent children together be asking their potential partners while dating?
Eva suggests that a new question in the modern dating paradigm should be: “What if we can’t have kids together? What could we do?”
Couples need to explore this topic to have a rough sketch plan* if there is a strong enough desire on both sides to have children. Is the answer to…adopt? Adopt embryos? Use an egg or sperm donor depending on the situation.
*And Eva suggests this conversation needs to happen before getting exclusive.
These questions reflect a new era of dating where there are so many reproductive options to family build as the average age for first-time mothers is increasing. Millennials and Gen Z, who are dating today, face different challenges, unlike previous generations that did not have a fertility preservation method, such as egg freezing, available to them.
Fun fact: In 2022 the average age for first-time mothers was 30 years of age. In 1967, the average age was 24.5.
Overall, working with a dating coach has certain advantages: when dating, it helps you to avoid wasting time in relationships with people that have indicated they are not interested in having children at this time. A dating coach could probably help you work through what your priorities are before you become emotionally committed to someone who just doesn’t have the same priorities as you.
A dating coach can also help you bring up these topics, especially if you are already emotionally committed, and it may not seem so easy to bring up these because of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or put extra pressure on the relationship.
And lastly, a dating coach can quickly help you see where your partner, or potential partner, is coming from. Eva, for example, seems to have a great read on the male perspective.
She made it seem like she could put the fun back into dating again.
Eva outlined some of the reasons why most people work with a dating coach. She also gave some interesting perspectives and tips on how to approach some of those questions regarding preferences on parenthood (and even by what means).
How Can an Egg Freezing Support Coach Can Help
An egg-freezing coach can help you plan your egg-freezing journey regardless of your partner status as well as help you plan the when and how of your egg-freezing procedure, as well as offer support while you are going through the actual stimulation cycle.* If you are interested in having children later in life, an egg-freezing coach will help you plan for that and support you to remove some of the overwhelm.
*Aka Stims: to freeze your eggs, you maximize your chances of success by generating as many mature eggs as possible. The stimulation phase involves the injection of medications for 8-14 days, to induce the ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. This phase takes a little longer if your follicles are slower to mature.
Dating and Egg-Freezing Coaches? Do these sound like two different threads on two different timelines?
Not really, I have a metaphor for that.
Gym metaphor: You invest in both green shakes, and workouts, for a reason. You get the green shake, or insert post/pre smoothie of your choice here, because you know that the benefits will compliment what you are trying to do: help you rebuild muscle faster, help detox your body, or satiate hunger so that you don’t grab a pizza on the way home from the gym. These are complimentary strategies aimed at achieving the same someday goal*.
*Same someday goal: Create the time (not waste the time) to find a partner, build a life together, and have children that are genetically related to both of you and your partner.
The metaphors keep coming! Or, imagine cardio without weights training. Or, weights without cardio. Is it possible to reach your fitness/ weight loss goals by doing only one of these?
Yes, it is. But it will take longer.
If you already have your plan, drop a comment and share!
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“The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done…you lose valuable time planning what you can and will do.” – Lil Wayne